In my last post, I talked about how “all-or-nothing” thinking affects how we think, feel and act, and also what the Bible says about this irrational form of thinking. The second irrational form of thinking I will discuss is called “Mental Filter.”
Mental Filter occurs when a person only focuses on negative thoughts or events that happen throughout the day and minimizes anything positive. For example, let’s say a student is giving a presentation in front of the whole class. After the presentation, all but one student compliments the speaker on a job well done. There is one listener, however, who has something negative to say about the presentation. Rational thinking on the part of the student giving the presentation would sound something like; “Well, that one person did not like what I said, but everyone else did.” Mental Filter, however, would sound something like; “Wow, my presentation must have been really bad since so-and-so did not like it.” Focusing just on the one negative thing that happened and ignoring all of the positive things is irrational thinking and can greatly harm the way we live our lives. Mental Filter can also harm our relationships with others. I remember a female client I had who always came into my office complaining about her husband. None of her complaints were very serious, meaning that her husband wasn’t cheating on her or abusing her in any way. What she mostly complained about was that her husband did not take out the trash or he watched shows that she did not like to watch. To teach her to focus on the positive, I asked her to write 10 good things down about her husband. After my client did this, she was more forgiving of the less-than-positive things her husband did and she did not focus on the negative things nearly as much. Phillippians 4:8 states “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Always focusing on the negative makes most people feel bad and, in turn, they may not be motivated to do what is right. This is especially true for those who say they don’t go to church because of “all the hypocrites.” No one is perfect, including those individuals who use this argument, but focusing just on those who attend church but do not live righteously overshadows the good, hard-working, faithful Christians who attend. It also keeps people from doing what they need to do which is to follow God and not forsake the assembly. Negative thinking of any kind can hinder us from being the best servants of God we can bo. We should always think positive and trust that God will take care of us!
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These next few posts are sequels of the “You Are What You Think” post I wrote a few weeks ago. I mentioned in that post about the 10 Cognitive Distortions or Distorted thinking patterns every negative thinker makes a habit of using. Not all negative thinkers use all 10 cognitive distortions, but all 10 are used at some point by someone, so I am going to address all 10 of these irrational thinking habits in separate posts. This first post will address “all-or-nothing thinking.” All-or-nothing-thinking is the first distorted thinking pattern mentioned on the most common cognitive distortions or, negative thinking pattern list. This form of thinking means that everything you encounter is viewed in a black-or-white mentality. For example, if you fail at a test or do not get a job promotion, you may think to yourself that you are a failure at everything in life because you did not perform well at this one task. This is all-or-nothing thinking, and it is an irrational thought pattern. It is irrational (or not realistic) in that just because you do not do well at one task, doesn’t mean that you will not do well at other tasks. Everyone has their own talents to offer. This reminds me of the Bible parable about the 5 talents in Matthew 25. Each servant who used his talents given to him by the Lord, doubled his amount of talents. The servant who hid his talent for fear of losing it, however, gained nothing (See Matthew 25:14-30). The danger of all-or-nothing thinking occurs if we base all of our achievements and worth on one negative event such as not performing well at some task. Conversely, if we perform well in one task, we cannot assume we will do well at everything in life. That will also cause us to think negatively because if we expect to be perfect all the time, we will be disappointed. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Everyone also has their own special talents to offer and to use to serve the Lord. Philippians 4:13 states, “I can do all through Christ who strengtheneth me.” We should always trust in God and know that He will help us achieve anything we desire to achieve. If we fail at something, we should think positively and try again at the same task or try something else. All-or-nothing thinking can keep us from wanting to try again because we make assumptions about how we will do in the future before we even try. All-or-nothing thinking can also occur in the church. A male who wishes to start participating in church services may be nervous the first time and make a mistake. For example, a young man may accidently drop the contribution plate or get tongue-tied while teaching a lesson. If he uses all-or-nothing thinking, he may tell himself that he would be a failure at anything he tries to do in the church service and decide to not try again. However, if the young man remembers such verses as Philippians 4:13, then he will know to put his faith in God and try again. The same goes for a woman who wishes to teach a Sunday morning Bible Class or Vacation Bible School class. With my clients, I always battled this form of irrational thinking by making them look at the evidence which supports the fact that they cannot use one mistake they’ve made to apply to all of their other activities in life. For instance, one girl told me that since she failed an exam in science, she was a “bad student.” I made her point out to herself how she was doing well in her other subjects and had even done well on another test in science. Instead of generalizing herself based on one mistake, she began to reason that although she did poorly at one task, she had proven herself to have the ability to do better in the future. We should also take the same mentality this student used with us while working on becoming better Christians. If we make mistakes along the way, (and we will), we should always ask for forgiveness for past sins and move on. That will help us stay focused on doing better in the future. As Colossians 3:23-24 says; “And whatsoever ye do, do [it] heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.” In my experience as a mental health therapist, I have dealt with many individuals who were currently in an unhealthy relationship or had been in one in the past. I saw these people either in a one on one or couples’ counseling session. During these sessions, I would hear many stories about how a boyfriend or girlfriend was abusive or neglectful. In most of the sessions I led with couples, I had cases where both parties in a relationship were abusive. Most of the cases I’ve seen of unhealthy relationships involved married spouses and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. I have also seen unhealthy relationships within the family unit as well. There are several characteristics of an unhealthy relationship that can be applied to any relationships, be it romantic, family, or friendship. Today, however, I am going to address four of the most common signs of an unhealthy romantic relationship and then talk about what God expects of us in a romantic relationship (i.e. marriage or dating relationship). 1. Verbal or physical abuse is a sign of an unhealthy romantic relationship. This is an obvious. If a man or woman hits, smacks, pinches, chokes, etc. their spouse then that person does not love their spouse. I can remember clients (usually female) telling me that their husbands “really do love” them because the husbands are very apologetic and nice after the physical abuse. This is the normal cycle of abuse and the “niceness” of the abuser doesn’t mean that the relationship has suddenly changed from unhealthy to healthy. Ephesians 4:32 states: “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.” 2. One person calling the other names or demeaning him or her is a sign of an unhealthy romantic relationship. If a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse calls the other partner demeaning names or makes the other feel worthless, then that is an unhealthy relationship. I had one client say that his wife called him names and demeaned him by making mean comments about him. When he confronted her about this she said she was “just joking.” There is a good way to joke, and a bad way to joke. If a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend frequently tells “jokes” at your expense, then that is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. “But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment” (Matthew 12:36). 3. Sex in the relationship BEFORE marriage is a sign of an unhealthy romantic relationship. God never intended a man and woman to engage in sexual relations before marriage. Some people who become romantically involved face the temptation to engage in sexual intercourse before entering into marriage. Any sexual relations between two people who are not married is fornication and a sin. 1 Corinthians 7:9 proves this by saying “But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.” This shows that sex is only reserved for marriage. I have talked to clients (mostly female) whose romantic relationships fell apart after engaging in sex. I had one woman tell me that she had four children by four different men and she didn’t know if any of them really loved her. She then asked me how she could know if a man she was dating really loved her. I told her to not have sex with a man she is dating and if he still wants to be with her, then he most likely loves her. Anyone who really loves the person he or she is dating will wait until marriage to have sex. That makes the wedding night that much more special! 4. Living together before marriage is a sign of an unhealthy romantic relationship. This is a definite sign of an unhealthy relationship! Hebrews 13:4 states, "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." If the person you are dating wants you to play the role of a husband or wife without caring enough about you to marry you, then that person does not love you. If a man wants to marry a woman but wants to wait a year or so to do so, that is fine, but the two cannot live together. I cannot tell you how many clients I have had who lived with their boyfriends or girlfriends and I honestly cannot think of any of these clients whose relationships ended in marriage. It is more common for two people who live together to break up than stay together permanently. Marriage is usually not in the near future because both parties are already getting some of the benefits of marriage without loving each other enough to make the actual commitment. True, divorce is very common, but it’s harder to get out of a marriage than it is to get out of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Living together is wrong because it means that the couple is engaging in fornication which has been addressed in point #3. Also, even if a boyfriend and girlfriend live together but do not have sex, the act is still wrong because it hurts the couples’ influence in front of others. We influence so many people in our lives and if we cause another person to sin due to our influence, then we are in the wrong.1 Corinthians 8:13 makes this clear by saying “Wherefore, if meat make my brother to offend, I will eat no flesh while the world standeth, lest I make my brother to offend.” Finally, if you or someone you know is in a relationship which involves any of the scenarios above, please try to do what you can to stop the abusive behavior and always seek help from others. The best romantic relationship to be in is a loving and caring one where both partners in the relationship would never do anything to intentionally harm the other, or cause the other to sin. I will address the cycle of abuse in another post at another time. |