Personalization and blame is a common form of negative thinking that many people are prone to use. Personalization occurs when people blame themselves or hold themselves responsible for events that are not directly related to them. For example, if you bump into a friend at the store and they do not talk to you, you might think that you have done something wrong to make them act that way. You assume this to be true when in all actuality, that person may just be having a bad day and not thinking about you at all. Personalization can cause feelings of sadness and depression in a person because he or she is carrying the burden of responsibility over things they have no control over. We should put our trust in God that He will take care of us and any negative event that may come our way. 1 Peter 5:7 confirms this by saying “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you”. We have enough obstacles to face as Christians without adding everyone else’s problems to the mix. As a therapist, I saw the habit of Personalization most often with women and children. Some of the female clients I had typically blamed themselves for the wrong-doing of others. For instance, some of my female clients would blame themselves for the bad behaviors of their boyfriends or husbands. “If I had only done this or that better, he would treat me better.” This form of thinking is wrong because everyone has choices that they make regarding their behavior, and no one else can make those choices for other people. Some of my child clients would blame themselves for their parents’ behavior, such as believing that they are the cause of their parents’ divorce. It is always important to teach children about choices and that everyone has to make their own, and everyone is responsible for their own actions. “Who will render to every man according to his deeds: To them who by patient continuance in well doing seek for glory and honour and immortality, eternal life: But unto them that are contentious, and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, indignation and wrath,” (Romans 2: 6-8). Blame is similar to Personalization except that it involves someone blaming others for events that they are responsible for causing. For instance, a common example of “blaming” that I witnessed while counseling was a client who said, “They make me do it.” Clients would frequently make poor choices or behave poorly and place the blame onto someone else. By blaming others, my clients appeared to believe that this automatically placed the responsibility of their own actions upon other people. I would quickly remind them that the consequence of their behavior and actions are their fault and their fault alone. It is very frustrating to those who get blamed for other people’s mistakes because it makes them feel like scapegoats. A scapegoat is actually a Biblical term which is today commonly used to refer to one person taking the blame for another person’s actions. Scapegoats are mentioned in Leviticus 16, where Aaron, the high priest, is described as having two goats, one of which is offered to the Lord as a sin offering, the other (the scapegoat), has the sins placed upon him, and he is released into the wilderness. The scapegoat in the Bible was involved in the sacrificial process to remove sins, but blaming others does not remove the responsibility of monitoring one’s actions and behaviors today. Both personalization and blame can harm the relationship one has with others and with God. We should take responsibility for our own actions and behavior and not try to either take the blame for something we did not do, or blame others for something they did not do. We should treat others and ourselves the best way possible. “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you”(Ephesians 4:32).
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Labeling is something that many people do, but few think much about the impact it has on their feelings. Labeling occurs when a negative term is applied to another person when that person does something negative to someone else. For example, if you are sitting in your car and someone pulls out in front of you and speeds away, you might think to yourself, “That person is mean for doing that,” or “that person is hateful.” By thinking that the person who cut you off in traffic is mean and/or hateful is ascribing a “label” on that person without knowing the facts of why that person behaved the way they did. In other words, Labeling is just another way of jumping to conclusions, as was explained in the last post. Labeling is dangerous because sticking a negative term or trait onto another person can cause angry and hostile feelings toward that person, which are not thoughts or feelings a Christian is supposed to have.
Christians are supposed to always seek the good in everyone. Paul wrote in Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” By ascribing negative labels onto other people, we diminish their value in our minds, and make it easier to forget that no matter what someone does, we should love them. We can disagree with people’s choices and beliefs, but we should always treat them with love. If Christians resort to treating others like some others treat Christians, then the world would be a sad place to live in! “Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned love of the brethren, see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently:” (1 Peter 1:22). I saw a lot of “labeling” among my teenage clients. When I graduated from school and went onto graduate college and so forth, I forgot how the high school social network consists of many, many labels. Most children fall into one or more social categories. For example, when I was in high school, you had the “popular” kids, the “athletes, “ the “gothic” kids, and so forth. It makes things less complicated to attach a label to something, and we learn this habit very young. I remember one of my teen clients talk about having a crush on another teen who he thought was “too good” for him. He thought this because she was “popular,” and he was not. I asked him why he thought that the girl would not like him just because he wasn’t popular. He said that she “would think I’m not good enough for her.” This is a form of labeling in that my client believed that the girl he liked would not like him back solely because she had the label “popular” attached to her. I encouraged him to attempt to be friendly toward this girl and see if she responds in a nice way. He came back for another session and told me that he had made contact with the girl he liked, and she seemed to be friendly. I encouraged him to continue to talk to her and not focus on the “popular” label that he and his classmates had given her. I told him that people are much more than the labels (whether negative or positive) that are ascribed to them. I hope that this client learned that every person is different, and you cannot group all people together and expect them to all act the same. Not all labels are negative and some labels are made with a full understanding of who a person is. The labels I mentioned above were made without fully knowing a person. Labels can also be ascribed to a person, and it would be the truth. The Bible uses labels to describe good and evil. Ascribing a label onto someone after knowing them is understandable, but we should always love that person no matter what. For example, if a person continually mistreats others, he or she can be labeled as “mean” or “unkind,” and it would be true. We should love a person who is truly “mean,” but not agree with his or her actions. Labels become a problem when they are pinned on a person without knowing them or if it causes that person to be mistreated or ignored. Labeling can also occur in the church. This is often the case with erring members. Members who have attended church in the past, but either no longer attend or attend infrequently are often categorized as an erring member. Now, this is not a negative label because it is true that a person who forsakes the assembly is not a faithful Christian by any means. My concern however, is that once a person is considered an “erring member,” some leaders of the church fail to make sufficient attempts to bring this lost sheep back to the fold. Sometimes, faithful Christians let erring members fall through the cracks and do not try to encourage them to attend services again. In this case, labeling can be a problem in the church. It is always good for Christians to call, send cards or visit those who have forsaken the assembly. Treat them as you would a person who is physically sick, because they are spiritually sick. As Matthew 18, verses 15-17 state: “Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear [thee, then] take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell [it] unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.” In conclusion, giving labels to others can be dangerous because it can cause Christians to “write off” people into certain categories that may not actually be true to their character. Every person was created by God, and every person is unique. We should try to get to know others as individuals rather than as what we think they should be. Happy New Year 2015 to everyone! I am thankful that God has allowed us to see the beginning of a new year! Every day God gives us is a blessing, and we should always praise and worship Him every day that we live! To continue my articles on the 10 forms of negative thinking, I want to talk about “jumping to conclusions.” This form of negative thinking was the most common type that I saw in counseling. People who used this form of negative thinking ran the gamut of using it occasionally to using it to the point that it ruined their relationships. “Jumping to conclusions” happens when a person decides that something negative is going to happen or someone is automatically reacting in a negative way without looking at the evidence to support these thoughts. There are forms of the jumping to conclusions type of thinking, and these are “mind reading” and “fortune telling.” “Mind Reading” occurs when one believes he or she knows the innermost thoughts of another person, and that these thoughts are negative. Of course, no one on this Earth can read minds, and the only logical way to know what someone else is thinking is to ask them. People who think they can mind read usually make assumptions that another person is thinking negatively about them. It is a rare case indeed that a person who has a habit of using this form of thinking believes that another person is thinking something positive. This can cause issues with interpersonal relationships because others can become weary of being frequently misunderstood and accused of having thoughts that never even crossed their minds. This form of thinking is irrational because only God knows every thought that we have. God knows everything about us because He created us. As Matthew 10:30 says, “But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.” No one but God knows each and every one of us that well. Therefore, we as Christians should always try to avoid trying to negatively assume the thoughts of others unless they tell us what they are thinking. “Fortune telling occurs when a person tries to predict what is going to happen in the future without having the evidence to back these beliefs. People who do this almost always think negatively about the future. We cannot predict the future, only God can do this. By trying to predict what is going to happen in the future is like telling God that we are smarter than He is. If we love God and obey Him like we are commanded to do, we should trust that He will take care of us. “But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” (1 Corinthians 2:9) I had a case of a girl who suffered from the habit of “mind reading’ and “fortune telling” when it came to her husband. Several years prior to her marriage, she had a child out of wedlock with another man who was physically and mentally abusive to her. When she met her husband and married him, she carried over her fears of being abused into her marriage. She would come into my office and talk about how she believed that her husband was cheating on her and that her husband thought she was “ugly” and “fat.” I asked her if her husband ever said anything or acted in a way that would cause her to believe he felt this way about her. I was expecting her to say that he had said or done something to make her feel this way, but surprisingly, she said that her husband was only good to her. She said that the only issue she had with him was that he was acting more distant toward her than he once did. I explained to her how jumping to conclusions about her husband’s behavior can ruin their relationship and that her husband’s current distant behavior toward her meant that he was becoming tired of the way she is acting toward him. I gave her some homework where she wrote down the various things that she was accusing her husband of thinking and doing, and she also had to write down the evidence to support or not support her thoughts. She came back with her homework completed, and we talked about how she had no evidence to support the negative things that she thought about her husband. She did, however, have ample evidence to support the fact that her husband was good to her and was not cheating on her or thinking that she was unattractive. I suggested that in order to help that damage that had been done to my client’s relationship with her husband, she should talk with her husband about why she treated him the way she did, and to apologize. I also encouraged her to tell her husband all of the good things he does for her and how she appreciates him. My client came back for her next appointment and talked about how much better her marriage has been since she had been making an effort to stop jumping to conclusions. It’s amazing how much better our lives can be if we put God first and trust that He will take care of us! We should never fall into Satan’s trap of believing that we are greater and more knowledgeable than God! I hope that everyone will try to focus more on trusting in God and making him the Top Priority in our lives for the year 2015 and every year God gives us! |